One thing that bothers me and puzzles me so much in
providing counseling and pastoral care to dying persons is that their spouses
abandon them in some cases.
Imagine what it would be liked to be abandoned by your spouse
when you are dying.
In the Sacrament of Matrimony, a wife and a husband are
bound by these words of the wedding vow: “I
promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health.
I will love you and honor you all the days of my life”. They have sworn their fidelity and
unconditional love, represented in these words of the vow, at God’s alter, in
God’s presence.
So, how can the sacramentally bound husbands and wives can
be broken when one of the souses is dying?
As a mental health professional and pastoral minister,
seeing a dying person abandoned by his or her spouse is extremely painful. But,
the pain and grief of an abandoned spouse, while facing the relentlessly
fast-approaching death, are far greater. In fact, this is not something I can
every fully understand.
As a counselor and minister, all I could do to help such an
abandoned dying spouse is simply to be present for him or her and listen to his
or her painful heart speak - verbally
and non-verbally.
Having this special deeply emotional privilege to be with
such a person, amidst of his or her unfathomable spiritual and emotional pain
of abandonment, what strikes me that an abandoned dying spouse reminds me of
Jesus in the garden of agony in Gethsemane and Jesus walking into the Calvary,
abandoned by his beloved disciples, especially Peter.
Among the disciples, Peter was very passionate and vocal
about expressing his care and love for Jesus. In fact, it was Peter who said to
Jesus, “Even if I have to die with you, I will not deny You” (Matthew 26:35)
during the Last Supper. And, the rest of the disciples said the same to Jesus,
following Peter.
But, it was Peter, who was one of the disciples fell asleep,
when Jesus was praying in agony, after the Last Supper. Jesus asked Peter, James, and John, to watch
him pray in this dark garden as he prepared himself for his path into the
Calvary. And, it was Peter, who denied
Jesus three times, once Jesus was taken to be crucified, contrary to his words
of absolute loyalty to Jesus in Matthew 26:35.
………..
As long as an abandoned dying spouse I counsel and minister to
is Catholic or some type of Christian or receptive to biblical stories, I gently
invite him or her to reflect his or her own unfathomable pain and sorrow of
being abandoned by his or her beloved spouse at a moment of dying to Jesus
being deserted by his disciples, especially Peter.
There is rather a long period of silence upon this
invitation. But, this silence is
spiritually pregnant. This silent period
is like the Holy Saturday, the day between the Good Friday, the death of Jesus,
and the Easter Sunday, the Resurrection of Christ.
So, after this silence,
I notice tears begin to run from the eyes of the abandoned dying spouse.
Yes, it’s tears of sorrow. But, it is also tears of
something else.
……….
When Mary Magdalene and another Mary found that the tomb of
Jesus was empty and were told by about
what happened, on the Easter Sunday early morning, they left the tomb quickly with fear and great
joy and ran to report it to other disciples (Matthew 28:8).
Perhaps, tears were running from the eyes of these women,
who first discovered the Resurrection, though they did not yet see the body of
the risen Christ at that time. The fact
that they ran quickly to tell this news tells that these women were driven.
Maybe they still had some sorrows, because what they
heard: Jesus was risen and gone from the
tomb, was so confusing and did not yet see the very risen Jesus. But, at that moment, their sorrow was no
longer holding them down. Even though
they were fearful, as the scripture tells, they were not held up by the
fears. It is because of joy that they
began to feel.
It was joy of anticipation, because they did not yet see the
risen Christ. And, it was sufficient enough to mobilize Mary Magdalene and
another Mary.
………
As I see tears from the eyes of an abandoned dying spouse,
upon reflecting his or her own painful abandonment experience upon deserted
Jesus, I now suggest to juxtapose his or
her tears to the fear and joy that Mary Magdalene and another Mary had upon
learning about the Jesus’ resurrection.
Yes, an abandoned dying spouse still feels deep sorrow. But,
now, there is another feeling.
Through this juxtaposition, I ask him or her if there is
also joy that is drawing tears from his or her eyes – a kind of joy of knowing
that he or she is so intimately close to Jesus through his or her deeply
painful and sorrowful experience of being abandoned by his or her most beloved.
And, a kind of joy to know that this Jesus, whom he or she feels so close
through the pain and sorrow, rose from
the dead.
……
This pastoral and psychological identification of his or her
pain with Jesus and his resurrection is not to suggest that his or her deadly
prognosis would change. Such a
suggestion would be unethical because it means planting a false hope.
In fact, Jesus died in deep sorrow and pain. The fact that
Peter deserted him really hurt Jesus – even though he knew as he predicted
Peter’s denial.
What is so important here is that Jesus’ resurrection comes
after his real death.
So, linking an
abandoned dying spouse’s experience to Jesus, who died and resurrected – also identifying
with Mary Magdalene and another Mary, who were the very first witness to the
mysterious resurrection – is to help he or she discern deeper faith-based
meaning amidst his or her immeasurable and indescribable pain and sorrow.
…………
Fr. Pedro Arrupe, S.J., the Jesuit Provincial of Japan (1958-1965),
the 28th Father General of the Jesuits (1965-1983), said as he was
dying from debilitating conditions after a stroke :
More than ever I find
myself in the hands of God. This is what I have wanted all my life from my
youth. But now there is a difference; the initiative is entirely with God. It
is indeed a profound spiritual experience to know and feel myself so totally in
God’s hands.
In “Hearts on Fire:
Praying with Jesuits”, edited by Michael Harter, S.J. (2005)
No, Fr. Arrupe was not cast out just because he was losing
his abilities to remain on the top of the Jesuits, to perform priestly service,
due to the paralyzing effects of his stroke. His Jesuits brothers stayed with
him and cared for him and prayed for him, while he was becoming weaker and
dying. Nevertheless, as only a dying
person can understand, Fr. Arrupe must
have felt alone – so alone.
But, he did not feel lonely, as these above words of Fr.
Arrupe tell. It was not because he was always physically surrounded by his
caring Jesuit brothers. It was because he was, indeed, more intimately with
God.
Perhaps, Fr. Arrupe was deeply identifying himself with
dying Jesus as he was dying, losing his abilities to the unfolding consequences
of his stroke. And, he knew that Jesus was not just in pain and sorrow as he
walked into the Calvary, because of his deeply intimate and absolutely
inseparable oneness with the Father (i.e. John 10:30).
………..
When someone, who swore his or her absolute love into the matrimonial
sacramental union with you, abandoned
you, what else could be a better way to
cope with such unfathomable pain and sorrow, such as what an abandoned dying
spouse had to bear – than identifying it with what Jesus went through?
………
It is my mission as a pastoral psychologist to guide an abandoned
and dying spouse to feel like what Fr. Arrupe felt before he or she dies.
Yes, it sure bothers and pains me to know that even someone
who swore his or her absolute love and loyalty in entering into the matrimonial
sacrament can abandon his or her love, as the spouse is dying. But, witnessing
an abandoned dying spouse begin to find joy amidst his or her pain and sorrow,
upon coming so intimate with God also brings me a sense of purpose to be given
an opportunity to be with him or her.
After all, it is the God who said, "I will lead the blind by a way they do not
know, in paths they do not know I will guide them. I will make darkness into
light before them and rugged places into plains. These are the things I will
do, and I will not leave them undone” (Isaiah 42:16).
