自閉症の人は他人の感情がうまく汲み取れないので、対人関係に苦しむ、とよく言われます。統計的にはそうであるといっても間違いでないようですが、それだけに、こうしたことがステレオタイプとなり、自閉症の人への差別的な見方とつながり、また、自閉症の人も対人関係についてあきらめがちになります。 しかし、この自閉症のカップル、デーブとリンジー を見てください。彼らの愛の出会いまでには、長い長い試練と苦労の道のりがあります。そして、どんなに辛くても、信念で努力してこそ、結ばれたのです。でも、結ばれたとはいえ、それで二人の努力が終わったわけではありあせん。 自閉症の人はそうでない人よりもより個性が強い傾向にあるので、自閉症の人が結ばれると、そうでない人とは違ったような工夫が必要です。でも、これもお互いが理解しあう努力を実行して初めて為し得られるものなのです。こうした努力を重ねる姿勢は森田療法が強調する体得の重要性に相通ずるものがありますね。 そして、こうした努力をあきらめずに続けるには、愛したい、愛されたいといった自分の心のそこからの願いを大切にし、それを目的本位な努力へとすることができます。しかし、いくら森田療法で目的本位を重視するとはいえ、目的そのものにとらわれないようにする努力も大切です。それから、なんといっても、不完全さなどの、自分がもともと気に入らないようなこともあるがままに受け入れる、現実的（唯実的）な態度も非常に大切です。リンジーはデーブとの愛の関係をバラにたとえ、棘を自閉症などによる不完全さとそれがもたらすユニークな試練という現実に例えています。でもそれをまずあるがままに受け入れ、それに独創的に対処することを体得する努力にはバラの強い茎のような決意も必要。でも、そうした努力の末には美しい愛の花を咲かせることができるのです。
Today, I would like to bring up how challenges that autism brings can be coped and overcome meaningfully with regard to Morita Therapy.
Let's meet Dave and Lindsey. Both of them have autism and have struggled with interpersonal relationships for many years - even to a point of giving up on finding a mate.
Well, not through a luck but through constant hard work they put, they did not have to give up on their desire to find a mate.
This is not just one of cheesy romance stories.
Behind the smiling, happy, nestling faces of Dave and Lindsey,
both of whom have autism, there have been a lot of hard works to have brought
them to their loving relationship.
It’s a hard work after hard work because, as Lindsey’s
father said, “All her socialization had to be learned…and usually by hard
experiences. In a way, being high functioning is almost more difficult than
being low functioning, because you are so close to ‘there’, and yet, not
quite. That makes it heart-breaking.”
Autistic couples have their unique styles – rather different
from non-autistic couples. Not sharing a
bed together may sound odd to most couples. But, in order to respect each other’s
own personal space, having different beds can be one working compromise for the
sake of the relationship.
As a psychotherapist,
who counsels and provides consultation to issues of couples having
difficulties in their relationships, I want to show this video.
Many of their complaints in their
relationships stem from their differences, whether in values, preference,
habits, work schedules, race, religion, etc. Finding a middle ground is a viable way to
mend and salvage such troubled relationship. In fact, this therapeutic process can help the couple grow even stronger in their love. If not, such a relationship may not be
worth keeping. Or, it may tell, in retrospect, that such a relationship was not really meant to.
This is a lesson we can
learn from this autistic couple.
A stereotype must be challenged and broken.
Though autistic people have been stereotyped as insensitive
to understand another person’s feelings because they are so self-absorbed. This lack of empathy stereotype proves wrong with this success story of Dave and Lindsey.
Lindsey said, “when I had a bad day at work, or just a bad day for some
other reason, and I come back home, and he is there, and I don’t even have to
say anything, and he senses it. He’ll
come up to me, he will start cuddling up
to me. And, that’s really all I need.”
To show his compassion to his beloved Lindsey like this, Dave has had to work very hard. And, what motivated him and enabled him to endure all his hard works was his sincere desire to love and to be loved, in spite of all discouraging stereotypes he has received - but coped with so well.
Hard work is one of the clinical hallmarks in Morita Therapy. And, in Morita Therapy, hard work must be intentional, reflecting desires. But, a key is not to get obsessed with this desire-driven goal. Instead, just focus on accomplishing what a person can do at a time - rather than worrying about if the goal can be accomplished, so that it is less likely to get "lost" in their obsession with the goal. Because of this nature of Morita Therapy, it is not an easy solution. It is not a quick-fix either.
Though I am not sure if Dave and Lindsey have applied some principles of Morita Therapy, I see some elements of Morita Therapy on their respective paths to find each other and on their path as a couple.
Though I am not sure if Dave and Lindsey have applied some principles of Morita Therapy, I see some elements of Morita Therapy on their respective paths to find each other and on their path as a couple.
Lindsey says autism is like a rose, sharp thorns, tough
stem, but when the flowers are in full
bloom, there is exceptional beauty to be found.
To put her wonderful metaphor in light of Morita Therapy, what is important not only for autistic people but anyone to have a successful relationship is to accept each other's imperfectness (thorns) so that we can endure any difficult challenges (tough stem) in order to bloom beautiful flowers (joy of love).
The foundation of Morita Therapy is accepting the reality as it is (arugamamani). Our inability to do so puts us at risk of struggling in relationships and many other things in life, because we cannot really build a meaningful life in self-serving distorted perception or fantasy-like illusion.
These days, when you buy roses, thorns are already gotten rid of. It is perhaps for safety. But, no matter how beautiful its flower may be, it is not a real rose if there is no thorn. To hold a rose in a Morita Therapy way, we must learn how to handle its thorns. And, only way to learn this is through hard work.
Here is a site to meet Dave and Lindsey.
Here is a site to meet Dave and Lindsey.
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