Pastoral Psychologist's Maundy Thursday Reflection

In entering into Truduum of Holy Week, I always think of many things, not only about the intensifying emotions of Jesus from Last Supper into Calvary, all the way to his last breath through his last words on the Cross, but also the disciples' psychospiritual problems. Then, I further reflect these to my own life, to sufferings and dying of people, whom I am privileged to witness with, pray with, listen to, treat, and minister to.

On Holy Thursday (Maundy Thursday), the Catholics get deep into the heart of Eucharistic anamnesis, as this is the day to commemorate Last Supper (Lord's Supper), through which Jesus instituted the Sacrament of Eucharist. As we sing “Ubi Caritas”(Live in Love of Charity), during the preparation of the alter…”Tantum Ergo”(Down in Adoration Falling) during the transfer of the most blessed Sacrament of Eucharist, we  become more aware of the depth of Christ’s love, expressed in this table fellowship style new covenant (mandatum novum- new mandate).

The new covenant that Jesus offered to his disciples, who were invited to share this special Passover (Pesah) dinner, can be summed up in these words, “Ubi caritas, et amor, ubi caritas, Deus ibi est”(Live in love of charity and steadfast love, live in love of charity as God will dwell with you). Through this new covenant of his own body and blood,  Jesus wants the disciples to live in love of self-giving as he has taught and is about to put himself through in his Passion.

Having this special Passover dinner and establishing the new covenant with the disciples was a very critical step to complete his mission on earth - to fulfill the Missianic prophesy from the Book of Isaiah, especially the prophecy on suffering Messianic servant in Isaiah 53.

Jesus must have been looking forward to this intimate table fellowship with his disciples,  as he said, "I have eagerly desired to eat this Passover with you before I suffer,"(Luke 22:15). But, he was well aware of the suffering he would have to go through in order to complete his Messianic mission.

Imagine what it would be like to feel "hopeful anticipation" for an intimate hour with this disciples over special commemorative dinner of Passover, while feeling the indescribably complex and heavy fear and anxiety of his imminent suffering.

Throughout the dinner, Jesus remained calm - just as we do so when enjoying dinner. But, this is a very heavy calmness. In this heavy calmness, there are two opposing psychological forces crushing: hopeful anticipatory to share an intimate Passover dinner for establishing the Eucharistic covenant and rapidly building-up anxieties toward his suffering and death as they are becoming more imminent.

Imagine a cancer patient with a terminal condition. Let's say that this patient is a well-respected and sought master of his own teaching.  He was told that he could die in a day or so. Though he tries to compose himself, he is not quite at peace deep inside, because he feels he has one more thing he needs to accomplish before he would die. Clock ticks louder and louder as he thinks of this and becomes more eager to accomplish his last "mission". Then, an opportunity has arrived! His followers are visiting him in a bunch. He felt that he really could not afford to miss this chance to accomplish his last "mission", which is to pass his last piece of teaching to his students. Because he is always a great teacher to his students, he felt that he must maintain his composure in meeting with his students.

Just think of this master's psychological condition - how heavy it becomes as he holds both his desire to be with his students, his desire to accomplish his last mission to relieve his unsettled feelings toward his own death, and his ever increasing anxiety toward his own death, which is becoming more imminent.

Imagine if you had to go through a situation like this....though I am sure such thing is the last thing you wish for yourself.

In thinking of such heavy calmness.....Isn't this kind of heavy calmness we notice when someone, who is suffering, intentionally makes a positive outlook out of his or her concern for the people around him or her? This person does not want his or her own suffering to make the people around him or her to worry. But, it does not mean that this person has no desire for his or her friends to be concerned for him or her. 

Now, let's think of the disciples...

Even the disciples have noticed the tension in the air as Jesus began to tell, "And yet behold, the hand of the one who is to betray me is with me on the table"(Luke 22:21). Then,  they began to argue who such a betrayer would be, only to further argue who would be the greatest among the disciples.

When we were back in school...or some kind of a group setting, we were told that someone among us was causing a big trouble...then, remember how uneasy we felt and awkward we reacted?  That was a story of our gone days as we sure have grown since those days.

Psychologically, such disciples' behaviors in reaction to the Jesus' statement about the betrayer is more likely an indication of their nervousness. Out of their psychological awkwardness, the disciples did not know how to respond to Jesus’ statement about the betrayer. Thus, they started to find someone to blame…….someone to regard as the worst to make sure that they themselves would  not be blamed. Because of their psychological clumsiness, they began arguing who is better than anyone else, immediately after shifting blame of betrayal to each other.

Jesus, on his very last night, must have been so disappointed to see his disciples reacting to his statement about the betrayer in such an cowardly way, realizing that they have not yet matured enough psychologically and spiritually to follow this way and to continue his mission after he is gone.  His disappointment must be even greater because the disciples acted this way right after given the new covenant of the Eucharist.

I indicate the disciples’ reaction to the Jesus’ statement on betrayer during the supper as the disciples’ psychospiritual immaturity because such a behavioral response clearly indicates their own self-concern. None of the disciples demonstrated their concern for Jesus as now they realize the presence of betrayer. Instead, they began to arguing like a bunch of kids, shouting, “Hey, it’s not me, right? You know I ain’t a bad kid who would do such a thing, right?” Nobody ever said any word of concern for Jesus, like, “You must have been feeling so uneasy now. What can we do?”

Speaking of the disciples’ psychospiritual immaturity, it was also found in Peter’s response to Jesus’ offer of washing feet (John 13:1-15).


At first, it appears to be like Peter’s own stubbornness. Maybe some people think that Peter was trying to be humble by not accepting Jesus’ offer, as kindly declining someone’s offer is believed to be a sign of politeness in some culture, especially in East Asia. But, it is more like his own narcissistic protective shell that first declined the offer from Jesus. Narcissistic disposition within us not only makes it difficult to love someone but also makes it hard to accept love from another person as it is. Clinically speaking, narcissistic disposition indicates a problem with psychological growth, if it is found in an adult person. This psychological problem was found in Peter’s response to Jesus’ offer of washing feet. Not to mention, Jesus’ offer of washing his disciples’ feet is a demonstration of his love for them.

To go a bit deeper than the psychological level, Peter’s refusal to Jesus’ offer of washing feet can be understood as a behavioral manifestation of Peter’s lack of faith or disbelief. Thus, it is an indication of Peter’s spiritual immaturity.

Because of this spiritual immaturity, disbelief, Peter was not able to respond with humble “yes” to accept Jesus’ offer to wash his feet. Had he been spiritually mature enough…a man with strong mature faith, then, Peter would understand that Jesus’ offer of washing his feet is a part of Jesus’ new covenant with him, his commissioning of him, to be sacrificed for God’s will, as Jesus was to demonstrate soon after the supper.  If he his faith in Jesus were strong enough…Peter would have been able not only to accept but rather to fully embrace the covenant Jesus was offering – Jesus’ love of self-sacrificing charity for him and Jesus’ appointing of him to practice sacrificial love.  Jesus’ foot washing of his disciples is to show this nature of his covenant.  It’s a shame that Peter did not understand this…yet, at the very moment the offer was made by Jesus.

Still living with his immature, narcissistic disposition, Peter now immediately shows his excessive desire to receive Jesus’ love more than any other disciples by demanding Jesus to wash his whole body, once Jesus reminded that not accepting his offer of feet washing means taking no inheritance with him (John 13:8). Now it is clear that Peter’s narcissistic disposition was calculating for his own gain.

Peter refuses what is costly to him, such as Jesus’ offer of feet washing service, which would eventually put him to practice self-sacrifice. However, his narcissistic disposition quickly overcome his own reluctance to such a costly offer once he realized that the “cost” was worth in order to share Jesus’ heavenly inheritance. When it comes to his own personal gain, Peter wants his share more than any other fellow disciples. That is why Peter responded,  “Master, then not only my feet, but my hands and head as well”(John 13:9).  Peter now wants a portion of Jesus’ inheritance as large as his whole body rather than a portion as tiny as his feet.

See how childish such a simple-minded-like response Peter demonstrates? Haven’t we sometimes respond to someone’s offer of self-sacrifice to us as Peter did to Jesus’ offer of feet washing service? Haven’t we respond like Peter because of our own anxiety and reluctance to putting ourselves to such a self-sacrifice service? This is an important question we ask ourselves in reflecting Maundy Thursday Gospel reading on Feet Washing.

As I said before, this Holy Day of commemorating Jesus’ establishment of the Sacrament of Eucharist through Last Supper is about “Ubi caritas, et amor, ubi caritas, Deus ibi est”(Live in love of charity and steadfast love, live in love of charity as God will dwell with you). To embrace what “Ubi Caritas” is about in Jesus’ Eucharistic mandatum novum(new covenant/mandate), we also must understand and embrace the meaning of feet washing. As we let Jesus wash our feet, not only that we are cleansed but also commissioned to serve each others in this humble fashion, even if it may demand self-sacrifice. We also must be clean to make ourselves worthy of making ourselves as sacrifice for the sake of love, caritas. 

Ubi caritas, et amor, ubi caritas, Deus ibi est”.