Practicing pastoral counseling and psychotherapy, I see
estranged self-claiming “recovering Catholics” quite often.
Who are these “recovering Catholics”? Are they like “recovering alcoholics”?
They are those who received the Sacrament of Baptism in the
Catholic Church but left the Church. In
fact, many of them even received the Sacrament of Confirmation. They grew up in the Church and were supposed
to be spiritually nurtured there. Apparently,
the Church has not performing as she should in regard to her nurturing roles to
all the Catholics.
What led to their departure from the Church was their boredom
with the worship, frustration with the way the catechism was given, anger at
the clerical authorities, confusion in terms of how the Church’s teaching in
its practical application to the reality, and so forth. They felt that the Church was not what they
could call “home” and took on their “free will” to venture out of her. So, they
went on their own journeys in search of “new home” or “greener pastures”. They embarked on their own “exodus”, so to
speak. That is what I see in all of the “recovering
Catholic” clients I have met in my pastoral and clinical practice.
As I come to know each of these “recovering Catholic”
clients, I have come to realized that not all the them are the same in terms of
their understanding of what it means to be “recovering Catholic”. Some self-claiming
“recovering Catholics” consider themselves
as recovering from the hurts inflicted by the Catholic Church, while
they continue to journey away from the Church. Here, “hurt” does not necessarily means
blatant sexual abuses committed by some psychopathic priests. It refers to a
wide range of emotional pains and sufferings inflicted by the Church, in their
perceptions. Because of this, they think
that being Catholic was harmful as drinking alcohol was so. So, by having left
such a harmful object, the Church, to recover from the hurt, they consider themselves
as “recovering Catholic”. On the
other hand, other “recovering Catholics” consider themselves as they are on their
recovery back to the Catholic Church, as they are becoming healed from the past
hurt that they had experienced in the Church. They went away from the Church as
they were hurt. But, they came to a point of return on their journey away from
the Church. I usually meet this kind of “recovering
Catholics”, who are recovering to their new self identity as being Catholic,
with their memories of deep hurts from the past.
The “Recovering Catholics” left the Catholic Church as they
felt the Church’s teaching to be “oppressive” and “meaningless”. They exited the Church to seek “freedom”. Many of them
thought some new age spirituality movements to affirm and justify their desire
for “freedom”. So, they live as their
free will dictated for a while. However,
after some years of such “free life”, they recognize that the emptiness within
themselves is never filled. Some of them
felt that the emptiness is becoming worse as it generates nagging pain – a
spiritual pain. So, they ran to food, drug, alcohol, sex….you name it – only to
numb the increasing pain. Then, it became a vicious cycle. The new age teaching
they sought upon leaving the Church gave them no help – besides telling them
“do this”, “do that”, only to make them pay more to feed their missions of new
age spirituality. They became alarmed as they began to feel they were in
destructive cults. They also became aware that they have been “stuck” in the
vicious cycles of self-numbing addictions.
Namely, they have come to realize an inherent danger of free
will in very painful ways.
Problem with Free Will is well illustrated with Jesus’
parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32).
The prodigal son could have died in the feces of swains if
he did not wake up to the inherent problem of free will, as well as
unconditional love of his father, and return to his father – abandoning his
ego, which misleads about free will.
The parable tells that the son was happier to be with his father
rather than being “free” – happier to be back being in his father’s commands
than being as “free” as his free will would dictates.
In fact, Lent is a journey to return to the Father, upon
opening our eyes to how our own misunderstanding of free will can be misleading
and have led us astray in the spiritual wilderness.
It is not to say that we should shun free will. But, rather,
it is to call our utmost caution with free will.
Perhaps, the best way to handle free will is to put it in
the context of the spirituality of St. Ignatius of Loyola – the Ignatian
spirituality. St. Ignatius of Loyola teaches us not to abandon our own heart’s
desire, as it can do be used for greater glory of God (Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam), though it can be also abused for
self-glorification, especially if you are narcissistic. Through the Spiritual Exercises he wrote,
based on his own struggles with his desires, Ignatius guides us to gradually
align our own heart’s desire to the will of God for us through dialogues. In
this set of dialectic spiritual journey of alignment and realignment of our
heart and the heart of God, we may experience some painful tensions. But, these
are like “growing pain” that we are to endure meaningfully, rather than
avoiding or escaping from. Consider these are like the Stations of the Cross
that we walk with Jesus, carrying our own cross. This mode can be reflected in
the desolation phase of the spiritual exercises.
If you persevere with faith, the desolation phase will give
its way to the phase of consolation. Once you experience this, even though you
encounter another phase of desolation, you can endure through it more
confidently and victoriously to grow further.
Dealing with free will is like dealing with our own heart’s
desire in the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius of Loyola.
As a pastoral psychologist, I walk with those who desire to
return to the Father until they can walk with their own free will as they can
put it in harmonious alignment with the Father’s will. I am their companion for
the journey home.
When they meet me, it was out in wilderness, where they
wonder aimlessly with the vicious cycles they got stuck in. At first, they were so distressed. In meeting
me, they were nervous. Acknowledging this, I do my best to offer a tent of
comfort. Of course, the tent of a metaphor for temporary comfort.
Reflecting the
Judeo-Christian scripture tradition teaches us, especially the Jewish festival of the Tabernacles, I set
up a “tabernacle”(tent) , as a pastoral psychologist, for these “recovering
Catholics”, where they feel safe and comforted. They are tired after wondering aimlessly
so long in dismay – through vicious cycles.
In this “tabernacle”, where we get to know to form rapport – namely,
initial therapeutic sessions – they recoup and become strong enough to journey
forward home – the permanent place to belong. “Tabernacle” is transitional.
So, we begin journey together toward the permanent home, and
it is where God the Father is. Here on
earth, it is the community of the faithful, called the Church.
The Church, as we know so well, still has many problems,
which continues to turn some people off, unfortunately. But, those who journey
back , through desolations and consolations, have gained meaning, upon coming
out of the vicious cycles they once were stuck. Therefore, the problems at home
– the problems in the Church today, no longer turn them off. Rather, they are
spiritually mature and strong enough to work toward solving these problems at
home, because it is now their home.
Their new heart’s desire is to clean their home so that it become worthy
for God to dwell among us. They become
more like St. Francis of Assisi, St. Ignatius of Loyola, and St. Teresa of
Avila, who remained in the problematic Church and plied their efforts to reform
this broken home. The Church really need
such reform-minded members. For this
reason, these “recovering Catholics” are getting ready to make the Church a
better home, drawing upon their experience.
On their way home to the Church, they come to realize that
true free will is not what they think their own will but the will of God found
in their heart’s desire. It gives me
meaningful joy to witness this, as I accompany these “recovering Catholics” on
their way home – on their recovery to their fresh Catholic identity.
Indeed, this is how our redemptive suffering may entail.
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